It’s been a few years since the abuse, but on nights like these, when the memories creep in unwanted, it feels like yesterday.
On sleepless nights like these, when I get flashbacks of the terrified looks on my babies faces when they witnessed their momma getting beat to the ground, that’s when I can’t hold back the tears. I just want to crawl in bed with my babies and hold them tight. Tell them how sorry I am; I wish they knew how much momma is sorry.
On nights like these when it hurts way too much to remember, my heart breaks as my mind takes me back to that place, and I feel like I have lost all progress made, like I’m back at square one. I go back to that place of punches and kicks, bruises and black eyes, that place of anger and screaming, and hopelessness. In those moments the pain feels so strong, It’s hard to remember I’m forgiven.
That place of regret, shame, guilt, and unworthiness. As much as I hate it, my mind wanders there sometimes. Back to that time and place in my life where I felt like a complete and total failure.
But God has been so good and faithful, and despite my past and my mistakes, he continues to heal and restore the broken pieces of me. Even through the pain, he continues to be by my side, holding every single piece of me when I feel like I’m falling apart. It’s so hard to understand, and even harder to trust Him during these moments when I feel like the pain is just too unbearable.The Lord sustains and strengthens me, and gets me through it. I am so thankful for the pain that draws me closer to Him. That’s why I continue to lay at his feet and praise him…
even when it hurts.
“He bends our faith like a branch, almost to the breaking point. His purpose is not to break it, but to make it stronger.”