I don’t think I’ve known greater heart ache than seeing my daughter disappointed because her dad never called. Days turn into weeks and months turn into years and still, no call. Holidays and birthdays go by, and still, nothing. You know I’ve had many sleepless nights wondering if me stretching out as far as I can go will still be enough to fill the gap of a father in my children’s lives. And as much as it breaks my heart I know that I never can, and that is perhaps my greatest disappointment. To wrap my mind around the fact that my kids are so incredibly amazing, and know that there is someone out there who should be a part of their lives and chooses not to be. I just can’t wrap my head around that idea. It breaks my heart in two. It keeps me up at night. Sometimes I watch my kids sleep, and just stare at them in awe. They are the greatest tangible evidence of God’s goodness, faithfulness, love, mercy, and grace in my life. As a child, I remember growing up with a lot of insecurities because of my father’s absence. I am so thankful that God has allowed my dad and I to restore our relationship. Only in Jesus can we find healing, redemption, and restoration.
A few months ago I decided that instead of hating my kid’s dad, instead of breaking my mind trying to figure out why, I should pray for Him. I should pray, and fast, and love Him. Some days this is really hard. Some days I want to be so angry at him, I want to yell at him and let him know how much he is hurting my babies. But I have to remember that I too am flawed and it’s only by God’s grace that I am able to be the mother that I am today. So I bring my worries, my needs, my struggles, my hurts to the One who knows it all. He knows my heart, He knows every single detail about my life, and every single one of my needs before I can even ask Him. He knows what breaks my heart, and it breaks His heart as well. Only He holds the power to change someone’s heart.
So I have decided to fight with the most powerful tool I have…prayer. Praying for God to change His heart and break down walls of pride. Praying for Him to know God’s love and surrender His life to Him. Praying that one day he can be the father my kids need him to be. Staying up late interceding for Him If I have to. I would love to tell you that it’s easy. It’s not.
But I choose to love and to pray for the Man who causes me so much hurt. This is what God has called us to do. No matter how difficult or how uncomfortable it is. God is funny in this way sometimes. He calls us to do the one thing we absolutely do not want to do.
And sometimes that means to love.
“We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.”- 1 John 4:19-21 ❤