There was a time in my life when I ran away from God in my suffering. I ran so hard I wished with all my heart to be nowhere near Him.

Until one day I hit rock bottom.

I was so lost. I got to the point in my life where I felt like a zombie. I went through the motions every day but I felt such a horrible emptiness in my life that no words will ever be able to explain. I was walking around but I felt like I was dead inside. I started turning to alcohol because I felt like God was just not an option for me. I had no joy, no purpose, I didn’t want to live because I felt like my life was just too far broken, incapable of being mended.

I remember waking up one Sunday Easter morning. I didn’t know where I was or how I got there. I woke up with a bottle in my hand and a puddle of my own vomit everywhere. I sat there and replayed my life over and over in my head. I felt worthless, useless, filthy. I was a big screw up. I had made so many mistakes and I felt like I had dug a hole so deep I just couldn’t get out.  I sat on that floor for hours and I cried and cried just thinking of the mess that I had made out of my life. I had hit rock bottom.

Feeling like I had nothing else to lose I cried out to Jesus. I cried out to Him and screaming at the top of my lungs I told Him I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was tired of feeling dead, tired of feeling empty. I was tired of needing alcohol to make me feel better.

In that moment I realized God never leaves us, we are the ones who run away. He is always trying to draw near to us. Always searching for us. Pursuing us. Loving us. Desiring a relationship with us. Waiting ever so patiently for us to surrender to Him so He can come in and restore every broken part of us.

I’ve had people ask me: “But if God loves me why would he allow me to suffer?!”



God doesn’t hate us, He isn’t mad at us. He doesn’t delight in our suffering.

Since the very moment that sin came into the world, it has been destructive. Sin makes people angry, sin makes our hearts harden. Sin breaks up families, sin makes people broken. Sin opens the door for the enemy to come in and “steal, kill, and destroy” (John 10:10)

John 16:33 says: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

God has let us know that as long as we are in this world, there will be trouble. He guarantees it. But He also gives us His promise that “He has overcome the world”.

I know that it’s hard to understand why bad things happen to us, but it is not our job to understand.

In Ephesians 3:18-19 Paul writes: “…to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge.”

His love surpasses all knowledge. We cannot even begin to understand how much God loves us. Our miniscule human brains cannot grasp the concept of the immense love that God feels for us.

So If you feel God tugging at your heart, please don’t wait.

If you feel God speaking into your life, please don’t run away.

Draw near to Him for he is always drawing near to us.

& I hope that this Beautiful Psalm from David touches your life and becomes your prayer as it did for me:

1-2 I run to you, God; I run for dear life.
    Don’t let me down!
    Take me seriously this time!

3-5 You’re my cave to hide in,
    my cliff to climb.
I’ve put my life in your hands.
    You won’t drop me,
    you’ll never let me down.

6-13 I hate all this silly religion,
    but you, God, I trust.
I’m leaping and singing in the circle of your love;
    you saw my pain,
    but gave me room to breathe.
Be kind to me, God
    I’m in deep, deep trouble again.
I’ve cried my eyes out;
    I feel hollow inside.
My life leaks away, groan by groan;
    my years fade out in sighs.
My troubles have worn me out,
To my enemies I’m a monster;
    I’m ridiculed by the neighbors.
My friends are horrified;
    they cross the street to avoid me.
The street-talk gossip has me
    “criminally insane”!

14-18 Desperate, I throw myself on you:
    you are my God!
Hour by hour I place my days in your hand,
    save me because you love me.

19-22 What a stack of blessing you have piled up
    for those who worship you,
Ready and waiting for all who run to you
    to escape an unkind world.
You hide them safely away
    from the opposition.
Blessed God!
    His love is the wonder of the world.
    God takes care of all who stay close to him,
But he pays back in full
    those arrogant enough to go it alone.

24 Be brave. Be strong. Don’t give up.
    Expect God to get here soon.

Psalm 31 ❤


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