There are days when I am completely smitten and in love with my Creator. These days I can’t stop thinking about God and his goodness, and what he has done in my life. No kidding, I get on my own nerves. I’m sure I get on other people’s nerves. And no lie, I get so excited I want to make Jesus shirts, I’m so in love, I don’t know what to do with myself… I know, I know.
But then there are days when I live like I don’t even know God. I go my whole day without talking to Him, without thanking Him for waking me up, without even acknowledging Him. When I think about having these days…gosh, I feel so small, so ungrateful. As if on the days where I’m “good” God loves me more, and on the days where I’m “Bad” God loves me less. That’s not the case at all.
God has been absolutely wrecking my heart these past couple of days. It started last week while talking to a friend about baptism, then again at church Sunday night. I was overwhelmed with conviction as tears started to flow when I came to the realization that I have been a sitting Christian. I’ve been walking in toe-deep water (shamefully not even ankle-deep). When I think about my life before Jesus, I can’t help but become so emotional. I am so thankful to God for saving me, so why don’t I act like it? God continued wrecking my heart at bible study this morning as we talked about King David and his relationship with the Lord. King David was far from perfect, but something set him apart. He chased after God’s heart. He lived a radical, faith-filled life. He danced all around town in gratefulness and worship to His God, not caring how crazy he looked, or how uncomfortable he made others feel. I meditated for a while and thought about why I don’t live out that kind of faith. What is it that holds us back from that radical life for Christ? Doubt? Fear? Embarrassment? Pride? I’m not gonna lie… on some days all of those do it for me. I think about how I felt before I gave my life to Jesus; confused, lost, hopeless, and empty. I have tasted the goodness of my God and there is nothing that remotely compares or comes close to Him. So why do I hold back?
Then it hit me.
Maybe I’m scared of what radical faith would really look like in my life. Maybe I’m still holding on to things I’m not ready to let go of. Maybe I want to surrender certain areas of my life to Christ but not all of them. Maybe I’m scared I’m going to mess up. Maybe I’m scared of what people will think. Maybe I’m scared of looking crazy. Maybe I’m scared of what I will have to give up, what I have to sacrifice.
The lyrics of the hymn “Jesus Paid it All” starts to play in my mind.
“Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain…he washed it white as snow.”
Jesus gave it ALL on the cross…for us. For you. For me. That’s how much He loves us. That kind of love is extreme, off the charts, unheard of, amazing, sacrificial. And what do we do about it? Most days I don’t even go in deeper than my toes for Him. We serve such a BIG GOD. Why do we limit him? Why do we put him in a box?
One of my favorite quotes used to be “I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be” and yes, that is so true, and yes, I am so thankful for that, but is that enough? The space between not as bad, but not there yet. How many of us live there? Complacent in our faith, never going further than toe deep?
I imagine a small child at the beach for the first time, standing on the edge in the shallow, where the beautiful waves crash against their toes. They are filled with excitement to swim for the first time, but scared of possibly drowning; so they stand there, sun and hesitation on their face, unsure if the risk is worth it, scared of the unknown. Then their parent so lovingly and reassuringly takes their hand and walks with them. The child is no longer scared because they feel secure.
That is God in our lives. That’s what he promises to do. He doesn’t promise we won’t get sand in our eyes. He doesn’t promise we will learn to swim from one day to the next. He doesn’t promise it’s going to be easy. But he does promise to walk with us.That doesn’t mean we won’t get caught in the waves on the way, but having a radical-faith to believe God, the kindest of all life-guards will be there to save us.
I want to get to that place where I need to be. No matter how scary, no matter how far, no matter what I will have to give up, no matter what I will lose, no matter how crazy I look… I want to dance like David did.